


How to be a Normal Troll

by seerofbread (zopponde)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, The Autistic Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:49:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4782941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zopponde/pseuds/seerofbread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Nepeta Leijon and you ran away from your hive after the drones came for you too many times.</p><p>Your name is Feferi Peixes and you have always felt a little lonely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to be a Normal Troll

**Author's Note:**

  * For [verboseDescription](https://archiveofourown.org/users/verboseDescription/gifts).



> There are a lot of puns because I love them, but I get that they might be a bit dense (and my enthusiasm might make some big stretches) so I will be posting a pun-free version as a second chapter.
> 
> More serious warning for a little internalized ableism.

 Your name is Nepeta Leijon and you got tired of drones coming to your hive so you ran away and live in a cave now. Your meowrail later told you that you wouldn’t have had so many if you had acted normal for the first ones instead of destroying them, and you said you thought killing was normal and he said it is but he also said that you shouldn’t kill drones except fur self-defense beclaws it looks like you’re harboring anti-empire sentiment if you kill them without them trying to kill you furst.

Sometimes you feel a little embarrassed about doing that so wrong, but mostly you’re glad beclaws you love your cave. You are very close to the prey that you hunt fur food and fur sport. You like the cave walls, which get warm in the day and cold at night, and you like the rough texture of the rock under your paws and the way that paint spreads on it. You nefur have to interact with neighbors because nobody builds hives this far into the furest.

Equimouse says that living in a cave is uncivilized and crude, and that running away means that the gofurnment probably thinks you’re dead which could be hard to deal with later, and that maybe they won’t find you but if you do then it’ll be even more obvious that you do not adhere to troll society and therefur qualify fur culling. But then you say that it’s homey and you like it, and he says that you should learn to act like a normal troll if just for the drones, and you say no and he says yes and you say no and he says yes....

You know that he’s trying to keep you safe, but you really don’t see why fitting in is so impurrtant if you can still defend yourself. You wouldn’t have any purroblems if only someone could change how the world thought of you.

 

* * *

 

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --

CC: )(i  
AC: :33 < *ac jumps up in surprise!*  
AC: :33 < *she bows for the lovely empurress and offurs a selection of freshly caught meats*  
CC: im R-E-ELLY sorry nepeta  
CC: but  
CC: i need to ask you somefin

 

* * *

 

Your name is Feferi Peixes and have always felt a little lonely. Your mom tells you, in quiet whispers, that you are safer alone, and you wonder what happened to the other trolls she has raised. You know there must have been hundreds, at least, and that you are one of two who are alive. For a long time you felt bad for these lost sisters, and you felt bad for Her Imperious Condescension for having to watch sister after sister after sister die. You still feel bad your mom’s dead children, but your morayeel has told you that the empress krilled most of them and you couldn’t sleep for days, wondering how anenomeone could even consider krilling so many trolls.

You are beginning to learn how few your sisters were in comparison to the other trolls the empress has krilled, and you are beginnning to wonder if you can even survive. You can barely stand to kill the lusii that you need to feed your mom, what are you going to do when the empress comes to challenge you?

You need to learn how to be like her, if just long enough to take her place. You justify the need by making plans for how you will change the empire.

Eventually, you have to acknowledge that you spend more time making plans for the empire than you do making sure you will get an empire. You swim around your room for hours, trying to think of what you could even do, how you could even come to accepting your need to krill lusii.

You know that you need to ask someone who is an expert at this.

 

* * *

 

 

AC: :33 < *ac pawnders*  
CC: its okay if you dont know  
CC: everyone else says its just somefin normal to trolls  
CC: i dont know why i dont get it  
AC: :33 < no dont worry  
AC: :33 < *ac thinks she knows but is trying to remember how to say it*

 

* * *

 

 

Fefurry seems pawful worried. You want to help her, but it’s purretty hard to try to tell her how to kill things. She knows the theory, she just doesn’t feel comfurtable with it. You don’t understand beclaws she is so much higher than you on the spectrum and you are always told that means she should have more bloodlust, but you understand beclaws she doesn’t understand trolls either. She is only now realizing that she is supposed to want to kill. You don’t know that she would kill the drones if they came to her hive, but you know that if they talked to you and you said what Fefurry says now then you would have to fight them befur they could report or cull you.

You hadn’t realized that Fefurry doesn’t like having to kill fur her lusus. You don’t talk to her furry often so you don’t know her well, but from your confursations and from what your furriends say you thought that Fefurry at least didn’t mind. That’s what trolls are supposed to do, it’s what Equimouse says makes trolls trolls. You wonder a little what he would say if he knew that a fusciablood didn’t like to kill.

You don’t think you’re the best troll to be telling the future empurress how to act like a real troll. You don’t think you could tell anyone how to act like a real troll, but you think Fefurry might feel the same way, so you might be able to help with that.

 

* * *

 

AC: :33 < but if you dont want to do anything the empurress does  
AC: :?? < what do you want to do?  
CC: )(mm...  
CC: mostly i want to watch my cuttlefish swim around  
AC: :33 < *ac thinks that sounds delicious*  
CC: 38(

 

* * *

 

You have to admit that talking to Nepeta isn’t solving as much as you were hoping. You wanted her to tell you the secret to feeling this bloodlust you’re told you’re supposed to feel. Nepeta krills a lot of wild lusii, so you thought she would be able to tell you how to enjoy it, but you aren’t shore that she enjoys it hershellf. Not the way Erifin tells you that it’s supposed to feel.

The conversation drags and you feel awful. You step away from your computer with each message you send, swimming in tight circles long enough that Nepeta will probably notice how late your responses are. You worry that she thinks you don’t like her, so you try to keep it to a minimum, but you grow too frustrated with yourshellf to sit still. Swimming calms you down, but it doesn’t last long after you return to your computer.

You decide that you should try to find a way to end the conversation politely. You are getting exhausted just thinking about why you tried to talk to her and how badly it’s going, and you guess all the swimming doesn’t help. You don’t know how much longer you can maintain the conversation, but you don’t want to hurt Nepeta’s feelings.

 

* * *

  

CC: t)(ats nice  
CC: im sorry nepeta but i t)(ink i )(ave to leave soon  
AC: :33 < oh no i hope im not boring you  
AC: :(( < equimouse says i do that sometimes  
CC: no you arent boring at all  
AC: :33 < maybe not  
AC: :33 < but i know im not furry good at knowing when people get tired of listening to me

 

* * *

 

You bury your face in your jacket in embarrassment. You thought you were having a good conversation with Fefurry and you were both relating to each other really well. You are too busy feeling ashamed of your inability to read the mood to notice when Fefurry says that she knows the feeling.

This is how you realize that you have something in common. You purrobably shouldn't assume that, though. You know enough about social rules to know that it is rude to suggest that someone else could be diagnosed with anything cullable. You guess that Fefurry wouldn't have you culled fur the offense if she can't kill lusii, but you purrobably should not rule out the pawsibility that you could be so insensitive to change her mind. After all, she wouldn't have to kill you, she would just have to call the drones.

You don't know how to ask without saying it, so you try to explain your feelings and hope that Fefurry understands.

 

* * *

 

AC: :33 < *ac means*  
AC: :33 < *ac is furry capable of doing efurrything else*  
AC: :33 < *ac doesnt even need to buy food!*  
AC: :33 < *ac could even help the empurress if she so desires the assistance of such a lowly huntress*  
CC: i appreciate it 38)  
CC: but i t)(ink rig)(t now i need to do somefin

 

* * *

 

 

You don't know how long you spend talking to Nepeta after telling her you should go. It's a long conversation. You learn a lot about her--more than is safe to share with anenomeone. You ask about why she does things and you have to wonder about yourshellf.

The more you think, the more you reelize that what you were hoping for doesn't exist. You wanted to know how to stop feeling bad for everything that has to die for you to live and for your mom to stay quiet enough for all trollkind to live. The more you talk, though, the more you reelize that you don't have to do everyfin yourshellf. You want to be able to, and you tell yourshellf that this is important because otherwise you won't be respected as empress, but you don't have to be like the empress at all. You only have to act like her long enough to take her throne.

It's a terrifying thought, and you hate the idea of not being able to do whatever you want even as the heiress to the entire empire. But you think about the plans you made for when you become empress and you think that maybe it's worth it if you can change the world.

 


End file.
